Because I know, there are not many people that read my blog as it used to be... I feel safe to write a personal thought here. About love, that shaped me into who I am today.
It all began in July 2015, I was only 17 years old goin on 18.
It was my first time in my uni pre-class, I thought we had a seminar at auditorium back then. I walked directly into the venue, and I saw him seating on the highest row. He wore navy long-shirt, black curly hair that seemed too long for a man, and a black glasses.
I sat on the second row, directly below him. Alone. I took a glance at him, and found he sat with his friend.
After the seminar, I forgot how it went... but I found myself talking to his friend, the one who sat beside him. He stood there too. I remember looking at his eyes, and it was the moment I felt as if the time stopped ticking.
I prayed to God, "ya Allah, if this is Your will, please let me find him again on our next encounter."
A month later, He answered my prayer.
It was in August 2015, there was another pre-class for the freshmen. I walked into the classroom, again, to found him. I just directly found him, I didn't even have to try to scan the room at all. He sat there, with a red MU jacket, still with his uncut black curly hair, black glasses, and his eyes focused on his red MU notebook. He was sitting beside his friend, the same boy that I also saw and talked at the auditorium last July.
I wondered to myself, "am I interested in him?"
I walked straight and sat right in front of him. I found myself always took a glance at him whole time in class. In the class, our lecturer requested us to create a group of 4, hence I directly asked a stranger beside me and the two boys that sat behind us. Yes, it was him and his friend. They agreed to join the group with me. There, me and him debated over a word's present tense and past tense. I remembered that I finally said, "Ok, let's do your answer. But I know my answer is correct." The result is we only got 90 points, because his answer that we debated earlier was wrong. I asked the lecturer to validate my argument earlier, which the lecturer agreed to my answer. Again, I took a glance at him to feel some kind of victory, and he muttering the word's present tense and past tense as if he tried to remember it.
It was the moment that I realized, I was actually interested in him.
After the class, I prayed again to God, "ya Allah, I really want to be his friend. If this is Your will, I hope I can be in the same class with him."
Again, He granted my prayer.
Back then, I only knew his nickname. When I read the class attandance list on the door, I found his full name. I had a doubt, "is this him or is it someone else? Well, if we can be in the same class that would be good."
A month later, when I walked to my first class ever in September 2015, it was the moment that I knew.... it was truly his name that written on the list! I felt extremely excited at that time. But then I remember a promised that I made to myself when I graduated high school: "I don't want to be in a relationship, I don't want to have a boyfriend. I want to focus on studying, graduating with a high GPA, and working in a top companies."
Why did I promise that? It was because, I knew I was so stupid about love. The last time I fell in love, I got the lowest score on Math and Physics. I only got 2 and 3. I didn't want it to happen again.
Along the time, I remembered that he actually got with another girl (which I never seen her as a competitor, ever), but all I knew was... like, I want to be his close friend. I don't mind if he doesn't reciprocate my feeling, but I want to be a part of his life. I want to learn so many things from him. I want to be as smart as him. Again, I wanted to keep my promise to myself not to be in a realtionship with anyone at that time.
In the journey, somehow we developed a friendship which I really blessed for. I think he knew that I was interested in him. I meant... who didn't know? Until today, I'm just a woman with a subtitle on her face. People will directly knew when I sad, mad, or even... fell in love.
In so many times, he said, "we're only friends, don't get your hopes too high." Which I found that statement was funny, because... how can a man be so full of himself and feel so confident about it? Honestly, I didn't really take that statement seriously, because, well... the promise I've made to myself.
I remembered that he once said, "if you're a song, you could be Ne-Yo's Miss Independent."
Another time he also said, "you need a man that can spoil you. You're too independent, and you need a man that can really really spoil you."
When I said to him that I found our senior was attractive and charismatic, he bluntly said, "find a man that is taller than you. If you're with him, or if you're with a shorter man than you, it'll be hard for both of you to kiss. You have to bend your knees to kiss him." I found his words were really hilarious until today. (Ps: he -not my senior- is slightly taller than me. One of random fun fact point why I was interested in him, lol).
We aslo exchanged gifts during university days. I forgot on which birthday, but I remember that I got a blue watch that I requested to him. I also requested it to be wrapped in an aesthetic gift box with a hand-letter wishes, which gladly... he did. But instead of giving a typical birthday wishes, he wrote atypical one. He wrote, "semoga berguna bagi bangsa dan negara." AGAIN, I felt his random thought were just so hilarious and unpredictable. He said he wrote that so I won't be too excited and got my expectation too high. Hahahahaha still, how can he be so full of himself?
When my friends surprised me at my 18th birthday, I jumped and giggling because of it. One of my friend, caught him laughed and she asked, "why did you laugh?" He said that I looked cute. The true friend that she was, of course she said it to me after the surprise. Did it flustered me? OF COURSE. I was just a teen after all, don't blame me.
I remembered that I gave him a strap guitar, the one that he requested it. I also made him a handcrafted note-book for him which he complimented it and said, "this is really beautiful."
I think..... there were a lot of times that we actually helped each other. Starting from, helping him with his umiversity tasks (he took another degree in another university), helping him to order shoes and jackets from Zalora, helping him to return the shoes because it turned out the shoes were too small for him. There was a moment too, when I actually sew his ripped red jacket. I remembered that when I was out of town, I bought him sumpia because he liked it.
I also remember that he actually bought me a bracelet from Kalimantan when he was on vacation after I annoyingly asked him to buy me one. He said, "don't tell anyone, I didn't bring anything for anyone." Lol, meanwhile the woman in love that I was, obviously I showed it off, because... why not? Lol. He also helped me with my uni task, he asked for my opinions for his songs, he taught me the lessons that I didn't understand in class. I listened to his stories about families, his issues, and his dreams.
I remember that I complimented him that he looked like a young Keanu Reeves, which turned out he said that the statement also came from his mother. Lol. But tbh, he looked like Keanu Reeves. If he had a long hair, I just need to use hair straightener to straight his hair and BOOOM, we have Keanu Reeves, Indonesian version.
Once, he asked me a personal thing about a girl he used to be close with. I explained my opinions and gave him some suggestions. He said, he agreed with me and listened to my advise. But the next day, I found him hanging with her and her friends again as if he didn't have a problem nor listened to my advise. I just took a glance at him, also chatted with them for a while before leaving them.
When I was on my way home, I got a message from him. He said, "I'm sorry." I knew he did disappointed me and made a mistake, lol. But I innocently replied, "why did you say sorry? Is there any mistake that you did? People say sorry if they have a mistake." Then he replied again, "well, if I die tomorrow, if I have a mistake at least I already said sorry." The pride tense between us was so hilarious.
Oh, we also shared the same locker at the 3rd floor during our university days. Locker 300302. There were also times that somehow we exchanged phone for a day, I guessed?
It is now 2024, and it was really hard for me to write and to remember all of the things that we shared since 2015.
To be honest, I didn't really know what was my feeling to him. Was it love? Or was it just attraction? Did I adore him? I can't really answer it. Because, I really didn't think of being his girlfriend at that time, or anyone, and I also knew he already set boundaries for us.
I knew he liked a senior woman, she was the same age with him. It did break my heart a little bit, but it really broke my heart when I heard it not from him instead from our friends. Like, after our friendship all this time, he didn't tell me anything about it. For me, I was feeling the same way when I knew he got close with another girl, not more, not less.
In 2018, I found him pulling away from me. Only to me, not to our mutual female friends. I didn't know why.
And because of some circumstances (not solely because of him and what happened between both of us), I started to pulling away from him, from our friends... literally from anyone. I was dealing with my personal issues back then, and slowly I diseappeared from their life.
I didn't came to many of our group events, including celebrating him on graduating from his another degree, or to congratulate him after the proposal trial in our uni.
The rest was history.
I knew he pursued graduate degree because we still in the same group of friends. I knew what he's been doing when our friends suddenly talked about him. I didn't really ask anyone how was he.
I thought.... I already made myself clear, to chose the right path in my life, to tried a relationship with a new man that eventually became my daughter's dad. I let my guard down, to let this man came into mylife and ruined it. This man was totally different from what type of man that I really want. My type was like the one in the university, the one I fell in love for years although we were just friends, not like this.
From 2019, I always thought, "I should've wait and not rushing anything. I haven't over him." But, as hard as I want to move on, as easy as it was to let my guard down.
It's now 2024, I'm feeling like.... It was too late for myself to validate my own feeling. It turned out, I was so madly deeply fall in love with him. It's almost 10 years, I'm now 26, but I still have the same feeling as I had when I met for the first time at 17. I can't stop thinking of him, even I went to psychologists to help me. I met him again several times in 2022, 2023, and recently on August 2024 (of course because we have the same group of friends). In 2022 and 2023, I didn't have a courage to look at him at all or even talk to him. I was surpressing my feeling really hard, and I was afraid it can suddenly caught me off guard. In August 2024, I tried to collect myself together, to greeted him first on our encounter. I reaaally tried so hard not to let myself off guard.
Since 2015, I wrote about him in many of my posts here, but this one post... hits different. I dared to write it this long because I know, my friends (including him) won't read this blog at all.
He changed me into something, he taught me the meaning of love without he actually taught it. He shaped me into who I am today, that I finally can graduate with a high GPA and had a good career path. He inspired me a lot to be better, kinder, and even I chose to sign myself for an organ donation because of him. I really think, if I need to die to save him, I'd will. He brought the best in me, and I hope I also brought the best in him. University days were the last step before we have a real adult life, and he summed up my personality today. He matters to me, he was a part of my journey.
Mirroring on what he said, "if I die tomorrow," I also want him to know.. If I die tomorrow, I'm so blessed to know you. Our shared memories were so precious to me. Thank you.
I hope he can finally make peace with himself, and let a woman open his heart. He deserves the bestest and greatest love of all. He needs to know that his imperfections just perfections, at least to me. I hope he will find a woman that really care for him, as much as my feeling is.
I hope when love finds me again, I will be loved by someone as deeply madly as I love him.
I hope he'll have a healthy, happy, wealthy life.
Regards,
A woman fool of love
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