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Dear Momma (2.0)

And eventually I'm just a scared little lady.

The super sensitive one when people talked about "family bond."

I would cry easily on my Momma's lap when we had a deep conversation. She's my hero, my wonderwoman. The one who rescued me in my lowest. The one who protected me whenever I needed her.

So, two days ago we had a deep conversation. It was about manner.

"Kamu mbok ya jangan ngomong sama Mama kaya gitu.. nanti dosa," she said when we got started. I was standing beside her while she sat on the sofa. We were talking about the latest movie actually -not the deep conversation, yet-. "Kalo ngomong sama orang tua, apalagi sama Mama, jangan sampe Mama harus mengadah liat kamu... Tatapan mata kita sejajar aja udah salah..."

I was like... krik. Speechless.

"Justru dari dulu kepala Mama lebih rendah daripada kepala Eyangti, lho. Nanti kualat kamu kaya gitu, De... Mama dari dulu mau ingetin kamu tapi lupa terus. Tiap abis shalat, mau makan, mau tidur, tapi selalu lupa. Ini mumpung Mama inget."

*Entah malaikat apa yang merasuki saya, entah Tuhan telah memberikan saya hidayah atau semacamnya... Seketika saya langsung terngiang setiap perilaku saya yang beliau tegur. Hampir setiap kali seperti itu, tanpa saya sadari. Entah ketika mau pamit kuliah saya membungkuk untuk mencium beliau -saya baru menyadari seharusnya saya bertumpu pada lutut di depan beliau yang duduk, bukan sekedar salaman.. pamit.. cus kuliah-.

Saya merasa sangat berdosa... Karena saya tidak tahu ternyata perilaku sesederhana tersebut ternyata membuat beliau kecewa.*

And suddenly... My sight was getting blurry, the tears dropped slowly from my eyes, and all I did were hug her tight. I couldn't say anything but, "Sorry, Mom... I don't know that I'm not supposed to do that..."

She almost cried too because I could heard her voice was a little bit husky while she said, "Yes, it's okay, Honey. Momma knows you didn't do it on purpose."

"I promise that I will never do that again, Mom," I said. Still in tears and didn't brave enough to see her eyes or I would more hysterically tearing.

She didn't say anything but she hugged me too. Tightly. Super tightly.

Since that day I change my self to be better, to make her proud of me.

***

2nd story. Still about Mom.

Happened yesterday.

So I was sleeping comfortably under my blanket when suddenly a nightmare came. I dreamed that Momma died and she was replaced by someone.... -my aunt, I guess- but really looked like Momma's twin. But only, Momma has short hair and this aunt has a really long hair.

In my dream, since Momma died, this aunt took care of me very well. She was being Momma though she couldn't. This aunt was really nice and caring lady but to me, no one could replace Momma's place.

I was kind of hate this aunt and I was always yelling at her though she never yelled at me. I thought she knew that I wasn't really mean it nor hate her.

The climax was when I couldn't stay any longer and I decided to ran away from home. "I AM TRYING TO BE YOUR MOM! I DON'T HATE YOU! WHAT SHOULD I DO TO MAKE YOU ACCEPT ME?! I AM TRYING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY!" she yelled while I tied my shoes up. That was the first time she yelled at me. I ignored her and then left her. I could heard her slammed the front door and went straight to the room. I heard her cry.

My heart got softened. After all this time since Momma died, she patiently took care of me. I realized that I was not really hate her, I just hate my condition because she died when I really needed her. This aunt would never be my Momma.

Then I walked to the window and knocked it. "Momma?" I called her softly, for the first time. I didn't knew why I called her Momma.

"Yes?" She answered and came slowly to the window.

"I am really sorry. I don't really hate you. I don't know what's going on with me. It's so hard to accept you but once again... I don't hate you," I said.

"Yeah, I know," she answered.

"I am sorry... But right now I can't accept your presence. You're not my Momma and you won't never be her. But I don't want you to leave me. I love you but not as my Momma. I want you to take care of me like Momma did, and I think it's gonna take awhile until I can be the normal Nita. I am sorry to be this tempered girl," I said with blurry eyes. The tears came down to my face.

She cried and opened the window. She forgave me and eventually we cried while hugging each other.

Suddenly....

I was realized by something....

This story was a dream!

YES.
IT WAS JUST A DREAM!!!

Momma's still alive and nothing's real!!

I was trying so hard to wake up in the hope of seeing Momma again. I must get up!!

And....

Finally, I did it. I could open up my eyes and moved my body.

I felt my face were full of tears and I was still crying, I was really sweaty. Slowly, I crawled up to the edge of the bed.. sat.. and opened the door. I was looking for Momma to make sure that she's alive.

And...

Yes, she was watching TV when I walked toward her. "Why are you awake, dear? Why are your face look really sad? What happened?" she asked curiously.

The next thing I knew was... I started to tell her my whole dream, still in teary mode, while hugging her.

Finally, I spent the night right next to her and fell asleep in her arms.

***

THE END.

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