Yapper Final Boss

So here we go, it's officially that time of the month.

Pathetic.

I used to suppressed what I feel. Deep down, locked in my heart.

I never talk about it out loud. How deep it was. How it tore my heart to pieces but also a cure to it.

But, to those who know me, they could see my mind is so loud, my eyes talked in silence. They probably noticed what I never say from my mouth.

I THINK I'M GONNA GO INSANE.

Never again I will suppressed anything I feel, because it overflows years later.

Here I go, stating this over and over again, writing about the same person over and over again, and maybe... I will call my 2 friends to talk about him for million times later this night. I'm blessed enough that they never get tired of listening to me.

IT'S ALREADY A DECADE.

OFFICIAL.

I work at a top consultancy firm now, I have 2 kids, my hair is long, I still like Taylor Swift, I still have a crush on Max Verstappen, I still adore Keanu Reeves, I still commute with KRL or TransJakarta, I was in a relationship, I dated men, and I met GREATER men. BUT... HOW COME I CANNOT FORGET ONE SPECIFIC MAN ALL THIS DAMN TIME.

T_T *sobbing in the corner*

A decade ago.

July 2015 was when I met him for the first time.

September 2015 was when I saw him in the same class.

ONCE AGAIN.

A DECADE AGO.

People and situation changes, yet, I'm still feeling the same.

Different path, long journey, yet, I'm still finding him in the place we met, thinking, "do you still come here for me?"

New places to discover, yet, I quietly asked myself, "do you think of me like I think of you?"

I want to set my heart free, but, how? HOW? HOOOWWW?!

I went to psychologists just to rant about him.

I could feel pain in my chest because I felt excitement when I mistakenly saw a man looked like him.

I literally told myself not to giggle or jumping or smiling like a lunatic whenever I meet him.

I told myself that we coincidentally met at a wedding of our mutual, we coincidentally went alone, and we coincidentally wore the same color of shirt. It has nothing to do with God's plans in the universe. I told my mind to stop saying how perfectly we were for each other that time.

It overflows so much now and somehow... it tears me apart, because who am I to his life? What am I to him? I'm no one.

My feeling is something that I can control, it's my responsibility. Not his responsibility. But, how can I control this feeling???

It kills me...

That I want to hug him so tight until I can feel his bones, Telling him how much I love him, How I would gladly smell his perfume whenever I hug him and get his scent on my body, How I would sacrifice my life for him if I have to, How I would donate my eyes for him if I could, How I crave to deeply press my lips to his, Let his head rest on my lap, or I fall asleep like a baby on his lap, How I would trace every inch of his face with my fingertips, How I would struck by his gaze, How I would run my hand to his black hair, How I would like to listen to him singing every day, How I would like to hear him yapping about MU, How I would hear his unstoppable dad jokes, How I would earn recipes to cook for him everyday, How I would know he will be the perfect father and the perfect spouse, How I want to wake up just to see him beside me every morning, How I would proudly say that I get my Indonesian Keanu Reeves, How I would always cheer him whenever he feels sad, How I know he will stand strong for the family he builds, How I know he will treat me like a queen, How I would feel loved and treating him like a king, How I really want to spend my whole life with him, Hold his hand when our hair turn grey, How I want our grave is side by side.

I could imagine myself be proud in my feminine era, where he is the only man than can make me feel safe and warm.

I could imagine us fighting, through storm and rainbow but, I know... I'm okay as long as it is with him.

But, then again, who am I to him? I'm no one. *sobbing again, lol*

He probably doesn't have the same feeling as I am. It's like, he was the one who keep repeating to me that we were only friend back then in uni days; and if he ever catch a feeling for me (if he never catch a feeling at all, well, he's gay. Just like what my sister & my 50 yo friend told me), I'm just a woman full of layers that he probably couldn't have accept it, maybe I'm too much for him.

GOD.

I need to stop this feeling.

My mind is getting crazy.

I should stop yapping here.