Skip to main content

Yapper Final Boss

So here we go, it's officially that time of the month.

Pathetic.

I used to suppressed what I feel. Deep down, locked in my heart.

I never talk about it out loud. How deep it was. How it tore my heart to pieces but also a cure to it.

But, to those who know me, they could see my mind is so loud, my eyes talked in silence. They probably noticed what I never say from my mouth.

I THINK I'M GONNA GO INSANE.

Never again I will suppressed anything I feel, because it overflows years later.

Here I go, stating this over and over again, writing about the same person over and over again, and maybe... I will call my 2 friends to talk about him for million times later this night. I'm blessed enough that they never get tired of listening to me.

IT'S ALREADY A DECADE.

OFFICIAL.

I work at a top consultancy firm now, I have 2 kids, my hair is long, I still like Taylor Swift, I still have a crush on Max Verstappen, I still adore Keanu Reeves, I still commute with KRL or TransJakarta, I was in a relationship, I dated men, and I met GREATER men. BUT... HOW COME I CANNOT FORGET ONE SPECIFIC MAN ALL THIS DAMN TIME.

T_T *sobbing in the corner*

A decade ago.

July 2015 was when I met him for the first time.

September 2015 was when I saw him in the same class.

ONCE AGAIN.

A DECADE AGO.

People and situation changes, yet, I'm still feeling the same.

Different path, long journey, yet, I'm still finding him in the place we met, thinking, "do you still come here for me?"

New places to discover, yet, I quietly asked myself, "do you think of me like I think of you?"

I want to set my heart free, but, how? HOW? HOOOWWW?!

I went to psychologists just to rant about him.

I could feel pain in my chest because I felt excitement when I mistakenly saw a man looked like him.

I literally told myself not to giggle or jumping or smiling like a lunatic whenever I meet him.

I told myself that we coincidentally met at a wedding of our mutual, we coincidentally went alone, and we coincidentally wore the same color of shirt. It has nothing to do with God's plans in the universe. I told my mind to stop saying how perfectly we were for each other that time.

It overflows so much now and somehow... it tears me apart, because who am I to his life? What am I to him? I'm no one.

My feeling is something that I can control, it's my responsibility. Not his responsibility. But, how can I control this feeling???

It kills me...

That I want to hug him so tight until I can feel his bones, Telling him how much I love him, How I would gladly smell his perfume whenever I hug him and get his scent on my body, How I would sacrifice my life for him if I have to, How I would donate my eyes for him if I could, How I crave to deeply press my lips to his, Let his head rest on my lap, or I fall asleep like a baby on his lap, How I would trace every inch of his face with my fingertips, How I would struck by his gaze, How I would run my hand to his black hair, How I would like to listen to him singing every day, How I would like to hear him yapping about MU, How I would hear his unstoppable dad jokes, How I would earn recipes to cook for him everyday, How I would know he will be the perfect father and the perfect spouse, How I want to wake up just to see him beside me every morning, How I would proudly say that I get my Indonesian Keanu Reeves, How I would always cheer him whenever he feels sad, How I know he will stand strong for the family he builds, How I know he will treat me like a queen, How I would feel loved and treating him like a king, How I really want to spend my whole life with him, Hold his hand when our hair turn grey, How I want our grave is side by side.

I could imagine myself be proud in my feminine era, where he is the only man than can make me feel safe and warm.

I could imagine us fighting, through storm and rainbow but, I know... I'm okay as long as it is with him.

But, then again, who am I to him? I'm no one. *sobbing again, lol*

He probably doesn't have the same feeling as I am. It's like, he was the one who keep repeating to me that we were only friend back then in uni days; and if he ever catch a feeling for me (if he never catch a feeling at all, well, he's gay. Just like what my sister & my 50 yo friend told me), I'm just a woman full of layers that he probably couldn't have accept it, maybe I'm too much for him.

GOD.

I need to stop this feeling.

My mind is getting crazy.

I should stop yapping here.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Girls Run The World

Cewek mana sih yang sering merasa kalau dirinya itu jelek, gendut, pendek, ngga pinter, aneh, sampai ke nerd? Cewek mana sih yang sering terintimidasi oleh dirinya sendiri? Cewek mana sih yang pengen punya badan bagus kaya si A tapi ngga kesampean? Cewek mana coba..... Jawabannya cuma satu. Kita semua. Kita semua para cewek. Hmm, menurut pendapat gue... Cantik itu variatif kok. Manusia itu ngga ada yang sempurna. Kekurangan kita itu hanya sebagian kecil dari kesempurnaan yang kita miliki. Gue itu tinggi, berat gue 60 Kg (Damn... Sejak puasa sampe sekarang malah naik), dan gue sering merasa aneh dengan diri gue sendiri. Gue rakus, sering nyicip makanan ini-itu. Hehe -_- Tapiiiii, gue juga tahu untuk tetap menjaga badan ini supaya staminanya pas dan ngga berlebihan. Sebisa mungkin hampir setiap hari Minggu gue selalu berolahraga. Dari mulai yang paling simple, jogging, sampe bersepeda dengan rute yang kadang-kadang akan membuat orang-orang takjub untuk ukuran cewek seperti g...
Post a Comment
Read more

Bookaholic

My name is Nita. I'm a bookaholic. I can read thousands of books in a day. My eyes would be so green if I see lots of books. My imagination is in high level. And I live with an optimistic because I hope... I'll find my Happy Ending one day. I love reading novels. Horror, Sleuth-ish, Romantic, everything as long as the book is good. Beside that, I wanna be a writer. A bright future novelist. A famous author. Suatu hari di Gramedia Grand Indonesia, dengan berbagai macam buku yang pengen dibeli... Tapi cuma dibolehin ambil 2 sama Mama. T-T Dari sekian banyak novel yang dibaca, gue itu suka dengan karya-karyanya Trenton Lee Stewart di seri Mr. Benedict Society yang tebal bukunya bisa 500-an. Ceritanya TOP banget, seru, buat gregetan, dan sktech nya juga bagus..... -_- Terus ada juga Meg Cabot, an author who made Princess Diaries. Cerita buatan beliau memang 'terlalu' Barat, tapi karyanya tetap jadi andalan untuk gue. Sedangkan dari negara kita sendiri juga ada ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Worthy Soul

I like deep hugs. I like holding hands. I like unexpected kisses. I like to be clingy. I want it everyday. I want to be loved, seen, heard, wanted, and needed. I want intimacy, connection, feeling warm and safe. I want a bond, soul to soul. A real love. Not a lust. I was kissed and hugged by love, several times, years ago in juvenile times. I was kissed and hugged by lust, several times in adult times. They longed for more hugs and kisses, they craved me. Some came from the intimacy and connection built in trust and affection, the rest... came from lust. As a lover woman, I know the difference, I could feel it... and I hate how lust could tainted the intimacy, connection, and the bond of souls. I hate how lust could made it as if an assault where I was only an object, not a subject. I hate how intimacy and connection eventually could became a lust. I miss to feel the sacred of love, where it overflows with intimacy and connection. Where eyes could speak to another eyes, without needing...
Post a Comment
Read more
Sebagaimana layaknya gue pengen dimengerti tanpa gue perlu selalu mengatakannya, semesta memperkenalkan gue dengan pria ini. Lucu... ketika gue kira hati gue sudah tertutup rapat dan sulit menerima kehadiran orang baru. Pria ini membaca pikiran gue, sangat penyabar, dan somehow... dia bisa menjadi lebih dominan daripada gue. Jika diibaratkan nilai, gue mendapatkan A+ dan dia bisa meraih A++++. Poin lainnya, ketika gue merasa kecewa dan menarik diri, dia mencari gue. Bukan ikutan diam atau mundur. Selama ini, ketika gue menarik diri, nggak ada pria yang justru mencari dan menghampiri. Mungkin sesuai doa gue: kalo gue tau kapasitas diri gue dalam mencintai seseorang, maka akan ada juga orang seperti gue untuk gue. We will see about his consistency. With love, Nita
Post a Comment
Read more

Autumn in Paris

I already read Autumn in Paris like a MILLION time, but I never get bored. Ilana Tan is such a great author. She makes this story so perfect. Everyone will cry (seriously). Now I wonder... what happen with Tara Dupont? Whoever get wondered by this book, HARUS BACA.
Post a Comment
Read more