Even people notice it too.
I'm not in my angry phase anymore.
I'm lost.
How do I heal?
How do I grow?
How do I fix myself?
I think it's true.
I let myself to be put in this position.
I let myself to be disrespected and unwanted.
I'm not mad at God, but I wonder,
"What's wait in the other side of this? I know You will help me go through this, I know You will change my storm into rainbow."
What's good about my life:
My kids, who I carried for months, breastfed, and nurturing them with all my love.
To still know and in the same circle as him, to still love him after all this years although from afar.
My friends who still accept my yap about my struggling and my love life although they already listen to it for million times.
My Mama who always humble and protect me in every situation.
My sisters who annoy me so much but I like it.
My Dads who are already old, but I'm blessed that they're alive.
My job in a top consultancy firm with flexible working hours.
My boss who is very nice and never yell or get mad at me.
My colleagues who is proud of me and treat me like their little sister because I'm the youngest.
Once upon a time, I called my mom. She asked me, "what's up?"
I told her, "Nothing. I just want to call you."
We talked about everything, until she mentioned about the domestic violence that I & Gia had, although I never told her.
"How do you know?" I asked.
"Your sister told me. But it's also a Mom's instinct. I always said it to you, right?" she answered. "I asked your sister, 'how's Nita going?' then she said, 'Nita's fine.' But I insisted, 'tell me what happen with Nita. She's not OK.' And that was how your sister told me."
I literally can't hold my tears. She knew about it although I really tried to hide it from her. I don't want her to worry about me anymore, I'm an adult now and it's not her age to worry about her young adult daughter.
I said sorry for not listening to her. Then, I opened up about how he & I fought in 2023 until we got bruises on our face. "I think he's gonna change, but in 2025... he started to beat Gia" I told her.
"He will never change," she said calmly. "If you told me from the start, I will come to save you earlier. I will beat him and probably kill him. Don't keep everything by yourself, you're not alone. You should've called me: 'Ma, come here. He beats me.' I will defend you. I never treat you like that at Gia's age. Yes, I hit you when you're already in high-school, but, I never ever hit you when you were just a toddler. You are my daughter and no one can hurt my daughter."
There she is saving her daughter in storm, she pulls her slowly, steadily, with love.
****
Aku harap ketika aku sudah siap dalam menjalin hubungan kembali,
Aku sudah sembuh, berdamai, mencintai, dan menerima diriku sendiri. Ya, aku harus sudah selesai dengan diriku sendiri, sehingga aku tidak perlu membawa luka dan trauma pada hubunganku selanjutnya, dan tidak menyakiti calon pasanganku kelak. Justru, pasanganku akan semakin memperkuat diriku untuk menghadapi berbagai rintangan dalam hidup.
Aku mau berada di dalam hubungan yang sehat, di mana aku dan calon pasanganku akan saling menopang satu sama lain. Saling mencinta dan merasa secara ugal-ugalan, us against the world, mungkin.
Aku yakin, jika aku sudah selesai dengan diriku sendiri, akan ada pria yang juga sudah selesai dengan dirinya sendiri.
Dibalik seluruh trauma dan lukaku ini, aku memag hanyalah wanita hopeless romantic yang selalu yakin akan ada cinta tulus suatu hari nanti.
"We accept the love we think we deserve" - The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Jika aku sudah selesai dengan diriku sendiri, maka aku akan tahu nilai diriku sendiri, aku sangat layak untuk dicintai, diterima, disayang, dan diperhatikan, dan sosok pria itu... ada dan nyata. Aku tahu itu.
Semoga, aku dan pasanganku kelak bisa saling menerima seluruh lapisan diri kami masing-masing dan bisa saling mengerti tanpa harus meminta.
To be love is to be heard, chosen, seen, and found.
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