Expect the Unexpected

Setelah hampir 28 tahun hidup, Aku mulai merasakan kedamaian tentang perjalanan diri ini. Kemarahan, penyesalan, pengandaian, kedengkian... Semuanya satu per satu mulai hilang. Walaupun masih tersisa, setidaknya tidak sebesar dulu. Aku mulai merasakan lega juga, walaupun masih diiringi air mata. Ternyata, aku dicintai dan diinginkan. Aku tidak sendirian, aku tidak dibuang, dan aku tidak ditinggalkan. Perspektifku sebagai orang dewasa membuka banyak mata baru dari berbagai sisi. Mungkin dulu, memang itulah yang terbaik untuk dilakukan. Keputusan yang hanya bisa dilakukan oleh orang dewasa, yang saat aku kecil tidak mengerti sama sekali dan merasa terkucilkan. Namun, tanpa keputusan para orang dewasa tersebut... aku tidak akan bisa berdiri sejauh ini. Aku dulu adalah seekor itik buruk rupa, yang perlahan menjelma menjadi seekor angsa yang cantik, indah, dan kuat. Ya, aku mulai menerima jalan hidupku. Dulu, aku masih bertanya-tanya. Merasakan kemarahan dan ketidakadilan pada Tuhan. Namun,...

I may could not directly say it to you out loud or even in a whisper. But I am afraid I won't have much time left for this. We were more but now we are less. We are now strangers like we used to. You did not have to do anything, You did nothing. But indirectly, you taught me how to love. The biggest love that I ever felt. The purest love although I didn't want to make you as mine. The unconditional love, that made me want to give you my kidney, if I have to. I just love you. You made me the woman I am today. The one who finally made peace with her past, knows her life goals, dreams, and to realized how huge my worth is. Once, I felt unwanted and unheard, not just by you, but also by everyone else. So, I thought it was better for me to go without saying words. People didn't ask me anything, so did you. So, I thought my decision was right. I regret it, it was my biggest mistake to hold all of my feelings within. I ran from my own life, and now I know I can't turn back tim...

I remember. Always. Like what Taylor Swift said, "Help, I'm still at the restaurant."

Just like that. We finally decided that we'll go on our own way. :) Lega. Campur aduk. Deg-degan. Nggak ada perasaan sedih ataupun marah. Tapi, aku memang penasaran.. apakah aku dan pasanganku bisa memulai hidup sendiri tanpa kehadiran satu sama lain? Pasanganku saat ini memang banyak membawa pelajaran hidup. Dia membuatku menjadi lebih melihat dunia, lebih luwes, lebih santai, bisa tertawa daripada pusing memikirkan berbagai hal, dan bisa beristirahat sejenak. Sifat negatifnya pun banyak sekali, yang melatar belakangi aku memikirkan kembali hubungan ini. Rasanya, sudah cukup kami mendapatkan pelajaran masing-masing. Kami sama-sama mengakui, kami tidak bisa melihat masa depan kami secara bersama. Kami saat ini hanya menjalani rutinitas yang sudah terbiasa karena terbentuk bertahun-tahun. Kedua anak kami layak mendapatkan cinta yang utuh sebagai keluarga, namun kami tau kami tidak akan bisa memberikannya jika tetap bersama. Kami sama-sama berhak mendapatkan cinta yang utuh, hati yan...

I hate getting older. I wish I could stay in my student era, where I just need to study and got good grades. Ironically, today is the youngest I could be and I should cherish that. I hate the fact that each day I just getting older. This blog grows up with me. I was such a bright bubbly girl who always wondered, "what is it like to be an adult?" Duh, Nita, my younger-self. Let me tell you:  YOU HATE BEING AN ADULT. You are now not a dreamer, instead you just live your life. Waiting for your turn to die. You are now working as an employee, not an artist like you always wanted to be. You don't have much time to read, you choose to sleep in between your spare time. You are now a mom of 2 at the age of 27, not an independent single woman who wanted to get marry at 30. I'm living in a reality that I didn't plan at all. I'm still trying to survive, at least. Well, I'm a survivor and I will survive. ***

I thought I'm finally free. From the relationship that makes me insecure, overthinking, emotional, overwhelmed, and drained. But I was wrong. Kun fayakun. In Islam, we were taught about it. I never expected that it would actually happened to me in such a short time. I found myself getting pregnant again back in October 2024. The fetus was already inside my body since August 2024. I felt my world ruined. Again. Deeper than before. I'm not ready for a second child. Especially in a relationship that I don't feel secure. I almost set myself free. Almost. Almost. Almost. Kun fayakun . With all the circumstances, cries, and sleepless nights, I finally gave birth to a beautiful baby named Melodie in May 2025. Do I feel happy? Yes. Do I feel blessed? Yes. Ironically, I know this is not where I belong, so he is. We basically together because of undeniable condition, where we have to raise our children together. Maybe that's why we always fight, and can't respect each other...