Expect the Unexpected

 I was so mesmerized by how universe crosses our path. It started on 2015 until 2025, and to many more years (I sincerly hope). After so many encounters, we chose different path. However, universe somehow drawing us back together again for a short meeting. Sometimes in an arranged one, another one unexpectedly. Serendipity, they said. 2015. I saw him in a mall on one weekend. I walked right through in front of him. He wore his red jacket -the same one when I sat beside him in pre-class-. His family walked near him. I locked gaze with his father, meanwhile he did not notice me, so I just walked away. On Monday, I asked him directly, "did you go to KK?" (KK = the mall's name) "How did you know?" "I saw you. You were with your family. I walked right in front of you." "Oh, yeah?! I didn't see you." Then, move forward to 2024. I was invited to a friend's wedding and I promised her, "yes, I will come." Another friend of mine sudde...

If it’s not clear, it’s not aligned. Confusion is the curse of those who ignore their gut. Silence it once, and you’ll doubt yourself forever. Clarity is peace. Mixed signals? That’s your exit cue.

Setelah baca ulang tulisan-tulisanku dulu, aku menyadari betapa aku udah berkembang sekarang. My early posts were my rage era. Lol. Mayoritas tulisannya kalo ga ngamuk, marah, baper, merasa hidup itu sangat unfair. Semoga sekarang aku bisa punya kontrol emosional yang bagus, lebih bijaksana setiap harinya. Sekarang sudah dini hari, dan di saat inilah aku kembali kontemplatif. Banyak introspeksi diri, membandingkan diriku di tahun 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023, 2024, dan 2025. Aku kini udah bisa lebih berdamai dengan diriku sendiri, kisah hidupku, takdirku. Sesulit-sulitnya hidup, life is worth living . Kini, aku percaya, aku hidup karena punya tujuan. Entah tujuannya apa, tapi Allah masih mempercayakan aku untuk bisa lalui segala cobaan hidup, dan menganggap aku masih berguna. Motto hidupku menjadi, "aku bisa. Gausah khawatir, I'll get through this. I can do it . Selama aku hidup, aku pasti bisa melalui segala cobaan." Hal itupun s...

Ada buku yang lagi aku baca berulang, judulnya The Little Prince. Buku tipis, kelihatannya seperti buku anak-anak, tapi isinya untuk kaum remaja menuju dewasa sepertiku. Di buku ini, ada bahasan tentang mencintai dan memelihara sebuah hubungan, perpisahan, petualangan. Lengkap. Life is hard, but, life is worth living. I am the love that I give, not the love I recieve. Sekarang udah bisa berdamai dengan diri sendiri, ternyata kapasitas kasih yang aku punya itu besar. Mencintai, mempedulikan, peka, akulah orang itu. Anak-anak nyaman bersamaku, kucing liar nyaman berada di kakiku, aku bisa mendengar kisah supir taksi di dalam perjalanan, aku bisa membuat siapapun nyaman dengan kehadiranku. Aku berhenti mencari kenyamanan pada orang-orang lain, karena ternyata nyaman itu adalah diriku sendiri. Udah nggak mau pusing mikirin hal ini-itu. Makanya, belajar mengkotak-kotakan emosi sendiri itu penting banget. Karena yang paling menyakitkan emang ini: Bedanya, aku sambil tidur pelukan sama Hagia ...

The things that we can control : Our actions, our thoughts, our reactions, our choices. Kontrol itu termasuk bagaimana kita menyalurkan energi di dalam diri supaya nggak terbuang sia-sia gitu aja. Speaking of it,  tumbuh besar di lingkungan yang 'keras', didikan disiplin, teratur, berusaha menjadi contoh di manapun berada; membuat aku sebagai individu yang penuh pertimbangan sekarang. Aku bisa ceroboh, ekspresif, ramai... namun, juga sebenarnya menjadi overthink dan dipendam sendiri. Dulu, cenderung menjadi people pleaser . I chose to laugh although deep down I want to scream. I often said "yes" instead of "no." I walked away and hide when I felt overwhelmed and unwanted. Butuh latihan selama bertahun-tahun untuk aku menjadi nyaman dengan diriku sendiri, menerima semua emosi yang aku rasakan, bukannya dibiarkan dan dipendam gitu aja (karena ternyata nggak sehat, bikin makin nggak waras). Kalau ada senang, pasti ada sedih. Kalau ada cinta, pasti ada benci. Ka...

Seminggu yang lalu, aku mengikuti acara karaokenya Taylor Swift. Semua lagu-lagunya dari berbagai era dimainkan selama acara. Aku menghabiskan hari Sabtu malamku dengan rasa senang, galau, sepertinya semua emosiku bercampur jadi satu. Bagaimana tidak? Aku tumbuh bersama lagu-lagunya Taylor Swift. Jatuh cinta, patah hati, pertemanan, pengkhianatan teman, sukacita, dukacita, rasa syukur akan memiliki orang tua... Taylor Swift bisa menuliskan itu semua di lagu-lagunya. As emotional as I said, ada satu lagu yang ketika dimainkan buat aku hampir menangis saat acara berlangsung. Bukan karena sedih, tapi luapan seluruh perasaanku akan makna lagu itu. Aku jadi terngiang masa-masaku sejak sekolah hingga kuliah, perasaan yang dirasakan saat itu. Lagu yang menemaniku sejak masa rilisnya saat aku SMP, dan selalu aku dengarkan ketika aku jatuh hati. Judulnya, Enchanted. "And it was enchanting to meet you All I can say is, I was enchanted to meet you" Debaran hati, perasaan senang, kikuk.....

My inner child appears since yesterday -she feels, she cries. I let her. I hug her. I embrace her. I keep her feel safe. "You'll be ok. We'll be ok. I promise," I said to younger self.

Setelah hampir 28 tahun hidup, Aku mulai merasakan kedamaian tentang perjalanan diri ini. Kemarahan, penyesalan, pengandaian, kedengkian... Semuanya satu per satu mulai hilang. Walaupun masih tersisa, setidaknya tidak sebesar dulu. Aku mulai merasakan lega juga, walaupun masih diiringi air mata. Ternyata, aku dicintai dan diinginkan. Aku tidak sendirian, aku tidak dibuang, dan aku tidak ditinggalkan. Perspektifku sebagai orang dewasa membuka banyak mata baru dari berbagai sisi. Mungkin dulu, memang itulah yang terbaik untuk dilakukan. Keputusan yang hanya bisa dilakukan oleh orang dewasa, yang saat aku kecil tidak mengerti sama sekali dan merasa terkucilkan. Namun, tanpa keputusan para orang dewasa tersebut... aku tidak akan bisa berdiri sejauh ini. Aku dulu adalah seekor itik buruk rupa, yang perlahan menjelma menjadi seekor angsa yang cantik, indah, dan kuat. Ya, aku mulai menerima jalan hidupku. Dulu, aku masih bertanya-tanya. Merasakan kemarahan dan ketidakadilan pada Tuhan. Namun,...

I may could not directly say it to you out loud or even in a whisper. But I am afraid I won't have much time left for this. We were more but now we are less. We are now strangers like we used to. You did not have to do anything, You did nothing. But indirectly, you taught me how to love. The biggest love that I ever felt. The purest love although I didn't want to make you as mine. The unconditional love, that made me want to give you my kidney, if I have to. I just love you. You made me the woman I am today. The one who finally made peace with her past, knows her life goals, dreams, and to realized how huge my worth is. Once, I felt unwanted and unheard, not just by you, but also by everyone else. So, I thought it was better for me to go without saying words. People didn't ask me anything, so did you. So, I thought my decision was right. I regret it, it was my biggest mistake to hold all of my feelings within. I ran from my own life, and now I know I can't turn back tim...

I remember. Always. Like what Taylor Swift said, "Help, I'm still at the restaurant."

Just like that. We finally decided that we'll go on our own way. :) Lega. Campur aduk. Deg-degan. Nggak ada perasaan sedih ataupun marah. Tapi, aku memang penasaran.. apakah aku dan pasanganku bisa memulai hidup sendiri tanpa kehadiran satu sama lain? Pasanganku saat ini memang banyak membawa pelajaran hidup. Dia membuatku menjadi lebih melihat dunia, lebih luwes, lebih santai, bisa tertawa daripada pusing memikirkan berbagai hal, dan bisa beristirahat sejenak. Sifat negatifnya pun banyak sekali, yang melatar belakangi aku memikirkan kembali hubungan ini. Rasanya, sudah cukup kami mendapatkan pelajaran masing-masing. Kami sama-sama mengakui, kami tidak bisa melihat masa depan kami secara bersama. Kami saat ini hanya menjalani rutinitas yang sudah terbiasa karena terbentuk bertahun-tahun. Kedua anak kami layak mendapatkan cinta yang utuh sebagai keluarga, namun kami tau kami tidak akan bisa memberikannya jika tetap bersama. Kami sama-sama berhak mendapatkan cinta yang utuh, hati yan...

I hate getting older. I wish I could stay in my student era, where I just need to study and got good grades. Ironically, today is the youngest I could be and I should cherish that. I hate the fact that each day I just getting older. This blog grows up with me. I was such a bright bubbly girl who always wondered, "what is it like to be an adult?" Duh, Nita, my younger-self. Let me tell you:  YOU HATE BEING AN ADULT. You are now not a dreamer, instead you just live your life. Waiting for your turn to die. You are now working as an employee, not an artist like you always wanted to be. You don't have much time to read, you choose to sleep in between your spare time. You are now a mom of 2 at the age of 27, not an independent single woman who wanted to get marry at 30. I'm living in a reality that I didn't plan at all. I'm still trying to survive, at least. Well, I'm a survivor and I will survive. ***

I thought I'm finally free. From the relationship that makes me insecure, overthinking, emotional, overwhelmed, and drained. But I was wrong. Kun fayakun. In Islam, we were taught about it. I never expected that it would actually happened to me in such a short time. I found myself getting pregnant again back in October 2024. The fetus was already inside my body since August 2024. I felt my world ruined. Again. Deeper than before. I'm not ready for a second child. Especially in a relationship that I don't feel secure. I almost set myself free. Almost. Almost. Almost. Kun fayakun . With all the circumstances, cries, and sleepless nights, I finally gave birth to a beautiful baby named Melodie in May 2025. Do I feel happy? Yes. Do I feel blessed? Yes. Ironically, I know this is not where I belong, so he is. We basically together because of undeniable condition, where we have to raise our children together. Maybe that's why we always fight, and can't respect each other...