Newborn, Decade, Lifeless

I thought I'm finally free.

From the relationship that makes me insecure, overthinking, emotional, overwhelmed, and drained.

But I was wrong.

Kun fayakun.

In Islam, we were taught about it. I never expected that it would actually happened to me in such a short time.

I found myself getting pregnant again back in October 2024. The fetus was already inside my body since August 2024. I felt my world ruined. Again. Deeper than before. I'm not ready for a second child. Especially in a relationship that I don't feel secure. I almost set myself free. Almost. Almost. Almost.

Kun fayakun.

With all the circumstances, cries, and sleepless nights, I finally gave birth to a beautiful baby named Melodie in May 2025.

Do I feel happy? Yes.

Do I feel blessed? Yes.

Ironically, I know this is not where I belong, so he is.

We basically together because of undeniable condition, where we have to raise our children together. Maybe that's why we always fight, and can't respect each other's boundaries.

When I was a little, I always wondered, "why adults stay together in a relationship they don't desire? If they don't love each other, why do they stay?"

Now, as a 27 woman, I finally understand because I'm experiencing on my own.

2025.

The year of a decade. It's been 10 years. I don't know why our path crossed years ago, and each year since then. What does universe want from us? Why are we keep bouncing to each other every year? Why did my heart beat faster in excitement whenever I see him? Why did I feel happy and energized whenever I look at him? Why can't I forget him?

Our destiny get twisted. I created my own path, so he does. Now I have 2 children, I'm feeling like... I'm getting lost far far away, further in nowhere, trap, loosing all the chances in life that I have in every aspects.

I'm happy and blessed, but I'm lifeless.

Comments

Keputusan Besar

Just like that. We finally decided that we'll go on our own way. :) Lega. Campur aduk. Deg-degan. Nggak ada perasaan sedih ataupun marah. Tapi, aku memang penasaran.. apakah aku dan pasanganku bisa memulai hidup sendiri tanpa kehadiran satu sama lain? Pasanganku saat ini memang banyak membawa pelajaran hidup. Dia membuatku menjadi lebih melihat dunia, lebih luwes, lebih santai, bisa tertawa daripada pusing memikirkan berbagai hal, dan bisa beristirahat sejenak. Sifat negatifnya pun banyak sekali, yang melatar belakangi aku memikirkan kembali hubungan ini. Rasanya, sudah cukup kami mendapatkan pelajaran masing-masing. Kami sama-sama mengakui, kami tidak bisa melihat masa depan kami secara bersama. Kami saat ini hanya menjalani rutinitas yang sudah terbiasa karena terbentuk bertahun-tahun. Kedua anak kami layak mendapatkan cinta yang utuh sebagai keluarga, namun kami tau kami tidak akan bisa memberikannya jika tetap bersama. Kami sama-sama berhak mendapatkan cinta yang utuh, hati yan...

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Boleh nggak saya memohon satu hal? Cukup sederhana. Kebanyakan dari kalian hanya memandang sampul sebuah buku. Jika sampul itu berupa kulit, kalian akan langsung mengambilnya. Kalau buku itu hanyalah buku usang, entah siapa yang akan mengambilnya. Disini bukan tentang menilai buku dari sampulnya. Tapi tentang siapa yang akan mengambil buku itu. Munafik memang, kalau kita mengaku tidak melihat orang dari penampilan. Tapi entah kenapa saya letih dengan semua itu. Letih dengan tipuan paling sederhana. Saya ingin kalian tetap menatap saya dalam keadaan terburuk, terjelek. Bukan dalam keadaan sebaliknya. Apa terkesan saya sombong? Tidak, bukan itu maksudnya. Saya hanya ingin kalian membuka buku itu setelah melihat sampulnya. Saya bukan buku bersampul kulit. Saya hanya buku biasa. Lembarannya putih, polos, tanpa coretan. Saya butuh kalian yang dapat mengisi lembaran-lembaran ini, bukan hanya menggeletakkan buku ini ke lemari hingga usang.

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Expect the Unexpected

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