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Newborn, Decade, Lifeless

I thought I'm finally free.

From the relationship that makes me insecure, overthinking, emotional, overwhelmed, and drained.

But I was wrong.

Kun fayakun.

In Islam, we were taught about it. I never expected that it would actually happened to me in such a short time.

I found myself getting pregnant again back in October 2024. The fetus was already inside my body since August 2024. I felt my world ruined. Again. Deeper than before. I'm not ready for a second child. Especially in a relationship that I don't feel secure. I almost set myself free. Almost. Almost. Almost.

Kun fayakun.

With all the circumstances, cries, and sleepless nights, I finally gave birth to a beautiful baby named Melodie in May 2025.

Do I feel happy? Yes.

Do I feel blessed? Yes.

Ironically, I know this is not where I belong, so he is.

We basically together because of undeniable condition, where we have to raise our children together. Maybe that's why we always fight, and can't respect each other's boundaries.

When I was a little, I always wondered, "why adults stay together in a relationship they don't desire? If they don't love each other, why do they stay?"

Now, as a 27 woman, I finally understand because I'm experiencing on my own.

2025.

The year of a decade. It's been 10 years. I don't know why our path crossed years ago, and each year since then. What does universe want from us? Why are we keep bouncing to each other every year? Why did my heart beat faster in excitement whenever I see him? Why did I feel happy and energized whenever I look at him? Why can't I forget him?

Our destiny get twisted. I created my own path, so he does. Now I have 2 children, I'm feeling like... I'm getting lost far far away, further in nowhere, trap, loosing all the chances in life that I have in every aspects.

I'm happy and blessed, but I'm lifeless.

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