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Babbling in the Midst of Traffic


It's crazy that now I become active again in this blog. I think, somehow I should try to write down everything, to exercising my mind and to coping my feelings. I realized that I stop writing during 2021 and 2023, and looking back at that time... I was in a hard time. It's like I don't have any idea, inspiration, nor muse to write again. I used to be a writer. I used to won in writing competitions. I even won in writing short stories during FLS2N. So, I feel ashamed when I have this writer's block for years. I also did journaling in the past, but, now I haven't write anything in my notes. My handwriting used to be SO DAMN GOOD, and it looks terrible now. My posts are random here, but, I shall practice everyday. The more I write, the more I feel 'me' again. I think... I am still that writer.

For the second part, I want to say something to you. YES, you. I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my blog. I've never expected you read it, and somehow you read it. I feel honor that you spent your time here. Some part of me think it was another reason that I have a will to write again. Oh, please, don't feel as if you busted or it hit your ego, please tell me directly you read my blog. I shall be the one who feel embarrassed here, since I let you (and even people) know my layers. My face may show subtitles when I feel something, but, my mouth mostly stays in silence. I wrote good things about you here, and somehow I hope it boosts your energy and make you happy. I wish my posts muse you as much as you become my muse. I wish my posts could influence you to create an art (or have you already created it? I would like to know if you already have!).

As now I re-read my posts, I realize that I wrote so many things about you here in a good way for DECADE. You rent for free in my head during my teenage and adult times, and somehow I'm okay with it. I feel happy by just thinking of you, and it makes me want to be a better person for myself. Life is hard, but a little part of my mind, knowing that thought of you somehow makes me live. 

You have to know: I still see you as a good person, and I don't hate you or regret anything that happened between us in the past. We were just teenagers afterall. You and I were both struggling in our own way. You were (and are, still) part of my journey, and I want to say it again, you made me the way I am today. Thus, how could I feel negative things toward you? I shall say thank you instead.

I'm waiting for us to talk directly, face-to-face, whenever we both ready, as two adults not as teenagers like we used to be. I hope, my invitation to you won't be accepted or be ignored years after this, because we already spent years in misscommunication. As much as I lower my ego by writing things about you that has been hidden for years, I hope you will lower your ego too to talk with me directly. I will answer all your questions, and I hope I could also ask you too. Don't you feel curious about me, my journey, my other layers that you try to know by reading my posts?

You know my number, you know my socmeds, you know the building I am work at, and you even know my email. Let's break this cycle of loudest silence after all this years.

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