A Battle Throughout The Years

I met him somewhere in the last few months in 2019.

He has a cute smile, taller than me, long straight hair, with tattoos on his hand. He was different from my ideal man.

I thought he loved me, but I realize now, it was actually a love bombing.

I learned to love him each year, but I realize now, I was only fooling myself and keep on pretending.

-2019-

December. It was my birth month, but instead of getting me a surprise, he yelled at me and cursed me.

I cried. I told him, "this is my first time in my birthday that I cry. You made me cry in my birthday. You didn't give me present, you didn't congratulate me. You made me cry. Men congratulated me, gave me presents, and flowers. You brought me tears."

Then, there was another time when he actually mad at me because I couldn't come to his house after office hour. I was so tired, I needed to commute with train and ojek to got to my office. I said sorry to him, but, he cursed me again. I called my cousin who stayed in Bandung and my niece who stayed in United States while I was getting out of train. I hysterically cried and said, "He's mad at me because I don't keep my promise. He yelled at me and cursed me." They comforted my by phone.

But, I kept on trying.

I thought he was a good man because he came from a good family. His parents were educated and very nice, and I thought he became the man he was because he got influenced by his friends.

He broke so many things when he got upset. In front of my eyes.

But, I kept the faith he was going to change.

He hold my hand as if there will be no tomorrow.

But, somehow, I didn't feel connected. There was like gap in it that can't be filled. I stared at our hand, questioning why I felt odd.

Later, I realize it was actually my body that resisted him. My body wanted to protected me, but I refused.

-2020-

I found him cheating on me through his phone. It was disgusting, I was disgusted. He apologized, I accepted. Then, we became together again. Then, I chose to be with him. Then, I had my first daughter.

I thought, "Maybe I can learn to love him dearly."

I told Nadia about my pregnancy, she cried. She thought it wasn't fair enough for me to be with him.

I kept on trying. I kept saying to people, "he is a good man." Simply, because I loved his parents like mine.

Throughout my pregnancy, I helped him with his final thesis, in hope he could finish his undergraduate study so I could showed him off to my family -who didn't really accept him, they saw he was not a good man at all.

But, I realize now, I still keep his research in my laptop, because it wasn't him who did the research. It was me. I kept it as a weapon just in case he mistreated me again.

-2021-

My first daughter was born.

I thought he became the gentle-man. But, I was wrong.

He smashed walls. He broke other things. He cursed. He yelled. His eyes were filled in anger. In front of my eyes.

He really wanted to be with me forever, but, I was in despair. I couldn't think clearly.

-2022-

I stayed in my Mom's for awhile.

I needed to calm my mind.

Even when I went to meet my university friends, I was in my Mom's. Nobody knew. None of my former classmates knew. Only Nadia and Lungguh knew, and of course.. my family.

I asked my cousins why they can't like him.

Lathifah answered, "because he made you cry, Ta. I don't like seeing you cry." She referred to 2019 when I was calling her while commuting.

Syifa said, "You can be with a lawyer, a doctor, a prime minister, or even a mistress! YOU are beautiful and smart, why are you giving chances to him?!"

I laughed.

I always thought, he could change.

-2023-

I bought him concert tickets.

We went to Dufan.

His behavior changed slightly, but he was still temperamental.

In the end of February, I felt something off and I asked him, "I'm feeling like you hide something from me. Are there things that you hide?"

"No," he answered.

"Are you serious? It's better to tell me instead I suddenly knew it."

"Nothing happened," he answered.

In April, I found out that he had a birthday party that filled with beers and no line between men and women.

I saw a video where his stomach got licked by his female friend.

I was devastated.

He didn't confess anything, so somehow, by my impulsiveness, I raised the issue up to my social media. I did that because he didn't say anything to me nor ask my permission to go to that birthday party. His friends and he didn't even say sorry to me, because they simply didn't know what was wrong with them.

Later, I found out his friends came into our bedroom while I was in my Mom's. I didn't know what they were doing, but negative thinkingly, I thought perhaps his friends tried on my perfumes collection on the table, or my body lotions collection.

I really wanted to smashed the air fryer, the stove, the water dispenser that I bought. But, instead, I chose to be calm. I tried my best not to raise my voice, and say it calmly.

His friend, who was in my side, that also didn't get along with his other friends, said, "Wow, I'm amazed that you don't smash things. You're so cool. If I were you, I would yell and break things."

Some night in June, I looked into his phone.

And found out, he visited an apartment in Palmerah on 14 February. A valentine's day.

Feeling odd, I asked him. He didn't say nothing.

I looked into his maps history, and found he was riding to that place, to the mall near it, and went to a store before going back to the apartment.

He finally confessed. He met a woman who suddenly followed him on Instagram. They met, he picked her up at her apartment and went to dinner. On the way back, he bought beers and went to her apartment.

He said, nothing happened. Truthfully? I didn't know. But, some part of me trusted him. I checked their chat history, which he already deleted. I confiscated his phone so he can't contacted that woman.

He slept like nothing happen, meanwhile I was full in rage.

Then in midnight, I poured all the skincare he bought me to his body. I smashed all the perfumes on the floor -the things I want to do it so bad since I heard his friends played in our room while I was away. He woke up in anger and yelled at me, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! IT GOT MY EYES, ARGH!"

"HOW CAN YOU SLEEP IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS?! LEAVING ME ALONE WITH ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU DID!" I replied. I slapped him.

Surprised, he slapped me back. He pulled my hair. I kept on fighting. I can hear my daughter awake and started to cry hysterically. All I can think was, "If I die, he must be die, too."

We fought and hit each other until 6 A.M., where I chose to call that woman. I asked her so many questions, the same questions that I asked to him. She answered the same. She also surprised by the fact that he was already had me and a daughter. Although we barely talked on the phone, I knew I can trust her. Nothing happened, like I felt earlier that night.

We made up by eating at a nearest warteg, with bruises on our face and our body.

I chose to cut my hair short not long after that.

I became abusive because mirroring his behavior.

-2024-

I thought he changed to be a better man since that day.

He became calmer, softer.

I knew him since 2019, so I was like... predicting what was next.

I finally realized that he wasn't the man for me. I learned to love him, but, I know I can't. I was sure enough to leave this relationship, then suddenly it happened.

September, he cheated again. As universe was on my side, I didn't have to do nothing, and his karma came along. He got scammed and paid millions to the scammer. It was like a cue from Allah so I can leave him.

Turned out, I was pregnant again.

-2025-

During my second pregnancy, we fought again.

He hit me again. In additional, he also hit my first born. As I was in rage and protection mode, I yelled at him and threatened him, "touch my daughter, I will kill you."

Somewhere in this year, we talked so many times in our calm mood about our separation.

It was finally a final decision: we would go on our own ways.

***

I know it's the right time for me to leave him.

I can't be in a relationship that feels like walking in eggshells.

Does he ever love me? Or do I feed his ego so he keep me?

He bought me things that I wanted, he made me laughed loudly.

I felt like he could co-parenting with me all these years.

But... did he that because I was like his biggest prize?

Did his ego want to keep me because I worth to get someone greater than him?

I gave him so much chances.

If he loves me, he won't hurt me consistently each year since 2019.

Ironically, this is how my destiny works.

Without him, there will be no my daughters.

***

Although, it's too late for me... but at least I set myself free.

I won't keep on pressing my feelings.

I won't keep questioning my feelings.

I now know the answer that I've been always keep it to myself: I love this one specific man for 10 years. He rents in my mind for free in those years.

I bravely declare it now. My feelings.

I bravely declare it now. I love him.

He set the standards with the future man I will be with. He makes me the way I am today, and of course... I need to find someone greater than him because, well, he is the standard.

I was in a relationship with an abusive one, I met a lot of greater men, but he is the only person I could ever think of.

And now, I won't giving chances to other men until I finish my own feeling with him. I learned my lesson the hard way. I will let my feelings stay for him, until it evaporates and disappears by itself. I will let this feelings come out after being surpressed in many years.

Sometimes, I do wonder.

What if things go the way I somehow imagine?

What if I have children with him?

What if he become my spouse?

Will he be happy with me?

Will he be proud of me?

Will I inspire him like he inspires me a lot?

Will we be happy forever after like in fairytales?

I love him so much.

I know it's too late for me to acknowledging my own feeling. But, somehow, it's better late than never.