I said earlier here that I wasn't looking for a relationship during my university days because of my commitment to myself after breaking up with my high-school ex.
I broke up with my ex in 2014 after being in a relationship since 2012. We were like a cute power couple. He was smart, slightly taller than me, he liked soccer, he was good at basketball, he joined OSIS. I had a crush on him first, just simply because he gave me an empty seat during an event at our school. We were classmate in grade 10. I told my male friend, who was in the same class with us, that I was interested in his friend. Then, my male friend YAPPED to everyone, like literally saying out loud, "NITA HAS A CRUSH ON XXX!" Lol. But, he was my cupid.
The crush, hearing that I like him, purposely came after me. We started off by being friend. We had study group, we went to mall with our group, like, basically... we did everything together. Then, he said that he liked me, too. As simple as that, we officially were in a relationship.
Knowing that we were in a relationship, our teacher, suddenly divided us to the different class in grade 11. He was with his group, while I was in another class. My best friend, Tasha, also in different class. As if, our teacher purposely did that.
I was happy in that relationship, however, I started to lost myself. I lost my identity as a person. I wasn't that close with my friends, because I spent more time with him; I got low scores in most of my exams; I felt like we did not bloom as a teenager. I did everything with him, vice versa, and somehow, I felt like, "I'm still so young. Why did I stay with him? I need to experience life before I settle down. I need to get good scores, my responsibility is to be a student after all. I need to be a teenager, this is my only chance to be a teenager."
So, I broke him up. I told him my reasons.
Since breaking up with my ex and the news was spread in school, there were 3 boys came after me in a same time. One of them was from another school. Two of them were on the same school: one was my senior, one was my friend who got in IPS class.
I had few dates with the boy from different school. Went to Blok M Plaza to watched movies, casual lunches, etc. After realizing, I don't find any spark with him, I ended the dates and I told him I wasn't the girl for him.
Then, I started to responded my senior, who actually had a crush on me since 2012. He always noticed me, looked at me from afar. He played me songs that I wanted to hear, he joked, and he treated me so well. But, I found out, he was the only child. Knowing that I won't be happy with an only child because I am the last child, I ended thing with him. I told him, "we're not gonna make it. Our ego is the same. You are the only child, and I am the youngest. We are spoiled, so we need to find someone who can spoil us, by looking for a 1st child or middle child."
After that, I responded to my friend who was in IPS class. Turned out, he also had a crush on me since we were freshmen and in OSPEK days. He joined soccer team and was popular among girls. One of my classmate (we were not that in the same group of friends) had a crush on him, so, I asked her, "he approached to me. Is it OK with you or do you want me to ignore him? If you want me to ignore him, I will." She said I should go try it, so I responded to him. He was a good boy, yet, again, I didn't feel any spark with him and I ended things with him.
My ex approached me again. He asked for another chance and I said, "we can be friend. But, don't get your hope gets too high. I don't expect us to be more than it."
When he asked me for another chance later, I stayed away from him.
Then, I got close with my classmate. But, we ended thing as quick as it got. We realized, we only attracted to each other in a short time. Lol.
This time, when I was preparing for annual event in school, another senior approached me. He is shorter than me, had a cute smile, had dimples, curly hair, and I could see that he was a player. He was in a band that performed in the event. He asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes. Turned out, he cheated on me before my birthday. He kissed my best friend (as high-school drama as it was, since that day, I'm no longer see her as my best friend), and I broke up with him. We only dated for almost 3 months, and of course, I didn't feel broken hearted at all.
Then, I got close with my ex again. I told him again, "don't get your hope gets too high. I don't expect us to be more than it."
He nodded. This time, he granted my wish.
He got accepted in UI, but, he said to me, "I think I'll drop UI. I'll be in the same university as you."
I laughed and told him, "you idiot. I'm in here because this is my last option. I didn't accepted anywhere. Don't settle for me. We are settling our future, don't be in here if you don't feel like you belong here."
Then, he went to UI.
***
The next thing I knew, I was enchanted, starstruck, adoring, deeply falling in love with a boy during my university days. It's like, I always need to remind myself that I won't look for any relationship with anyone. But, God, he rented for free in my mind (and still is, after 10 years. LOL. The boy became the man now).
During my university days, men asked me to be their girlfriend, for dates, for a lunch or a dinner, for a movie time. I always had someone when I needed a ride home, or when I felt like I needed a companion for a lunch, and when I wanted to watch a movie but I didn't feel like to watch it alone. I tried to open up my heart, looked for the criteria that I adore, knew that there were SO MUCH MEN GREATER than him. But, deep down, I just knew where my heart belong to. (hysterically singing You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift. If you want to know how deep is my feeling, please refer to this link: Greatest Love of All)
I became his close friend during our university days. I knew he knew I liked him, as my face showed so much subtitles in front of him. Like, God, how can he look so perfect in my eyes? Like, his imperfections were so perfect (and still perfect until today).
Somewhere in 2018, somehow, I heard from a girl, S, (my best friend in university), while we had KKN in Bogor, she and her KKN group friends (like 6-8 males) talked about their ideal type of women. S asked them, "what about Nita?"
The men said, "Nita is the standard. She is the ideal type of woman for men. She is beautiful, tall, smart, easy-going. Men want her, women want to be her." S said, every men agreed with the statement. Not long after that, S said it to me. I was blushed of course, but, honestly... that was the first time that I realized I was actually attractive. I knew I was attractive, but not at a level where men set me as the standard. (Because, I set my own standard, and the standard was HIM, and I felt like I haven't reach him, so why can I be the standard?)
(Later in 2024, when I told my sister about him, she said, "well, do you ask him 'are you gay?'?" He probably is a gay to not fall in love with you." I laughed.
In the other time, somewhere in 2024 too, I told my 50 yo friend about him, because I thought I saw him in a mall. I told our stories, my longing feeling that stays in years. She said, "Have you ever tried to kiss him?"
I responded, "excuse me?"
"You should've kissed him to see his reaction! If he is gay, he won't like it if you kiss him. It's bullshit if men don't fall in love with you, especially when you treated him so well and making him feel loved. You have to know that you are smart, beautiful, and I want to be like you if I'm younger! He likes you, too! Otherwise, he's gay."
And somehow, their response made me think deeply. They got the point. If my ex could fall in love with me just by knowing I had a crush on him first; this man, should be in love with me, too, at least in a one point of his life. Because, I did so much more for him in the name of love. All of my actions, I realize it by now, were filled with love, care, and sincerity.
As stupid as I am, those thoughts came to me in 2024 years after the separation.)
***
In 2019, when I graduated, my high-school ex suddenly showed up to congratulate me. I only told one of his female friend, and somehow they came together. I knew, she purposedly told him to made him came. He gave me bouquet, and I thanked him.
My love, of course was there, too. But, it was because his friend also graduated on the same day as me. He didn't bother to congratulate me, although we had group photos. It was the time when we already became like strangers.
***
I met another man later in end of 2019, and I think our relationship were a rebound for both of us. I stayed in a relationship that was abusive and ironically, I have children with him. Although, I love my children so much, it's hard for me to accepting my destiny.
I ironically know now, I might be a grandma later, telling my grandchildren how my love was only for a man during my university days. My hair will turn white, I may forget so many things, but I'm sure I will remember how I met him. I will tell my grandchildren, if you love someone: say it, show it, and stay. Otherwise, you will regret it.
How can I be so sure I will still remember him in my grandma era?
Duh, loving him for 10 years since 2015, and can't stop thinking about him since 2018 show me that I will remember him for the rest of my life.
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